EnJoy Founder Martha Enson as photographed by Ernie Saprio
This is turning out to be a difficult concept to put into words!
If we are lucky life is long and we get to have many phases of self.
Our earliest selves form deep - like roots - and stay with us our whole lives coloring everything we do, think and feel. Then comes a stage of uncertainty, curiosity, exploration and self discovery. After that, most people land on some kind of definition whether that is their profession or who they live with or some other ordering of life. Of course many of us shift this over time. This shifting is what I am interested in here.
For those of us with a life based on physical skill, such as acrobats, dancers or athletes, the transition from self definition through skill to the ending of that phase can be really tricky.
“What do you do for a living?” someone asks.
I pause.
I used to say I did physical theater, or aerial arts, as well as being a creative director. Now I ask myself “is that true?”. I can still climb, swing, pull and twist, but I’m not doing that professionally these days, and at some point I can imagine I won’t be doing it at all.
Addressing this loss is not just economic as most retirements are. For me it is certainly not a lack of interest. It’s not just egotistical – although that is surely a part of it. It’s about identity. That is the hard part.
I don’t mean to be melodramatic. I think being an older female performer who identifies as an acrobat and letting that self image change feels like being put out in the woodshed to mold. it feel like the age old Mary split – Mary Magdalene, the young, the beautiful, the sexual and the forbidden VS. Mary Mother of God – the virginal, the mother, the pure, and the compassionate. And yes, lets admit it, by comparison maybe a tiny bit stodgy? I hope I have not offended you but this seems like a good metaphor to me.
For a theater person steeped in alt theater and the physical arts, a producer of Burlesque and a creator of original theater, the former Mary has always been the hands down winner of my heart. But this transition into elderhood feels like I am being stepped out of my Magdalene power, and all I want to shout is HELL NO!
Alternatively there is something uncomfortable about a woman who does not wear her wisdom well, and who refuses to enter into her third phase beauty. I just think culturally we need to be modeling better vitality, seduction, entrancement and magic. These things dont just change, they evolve.
And don’t get me wrong. Letting go of a physical art form can happen much younger depending on your skill level – ballet dancers can end their careers in their twenties. And it is also a fact of life for men, although there seems to be an easier transition in our culture for men. Tell me if I’m wrong.
So this is a commitment on my part to model curiosity in this change. To become more present and more in touch with my humor and my compassion without losing my flexibility and my splits!
I am very curious about other people's journeys with this process. What are the strengths that you are finding when you let go of one self-storying and embrace a new one, or swim around in the soup looking for next steps? Please let me know your stories.
Wherever you are in the process I wish you good explorations and courage.